It has been 5 months since I have posted on this blog, and I have noticed that even though I have matured, I have a long way to go in my walk with Christ.
I have chosen to come to terms with my difficult childhood and the imperfections of my parents. I have chosen to respect and honor them as God has commanded me to do so since they are my parents.
Since my last entry, my Dad has gotten married and in the brief amount of time that I spent with him, I have learned that he is not the man that I expected him, want him and need him to be as a man and as a father. In my world, God is my Heavenly Father and I choose to call Tyrone Dad out of respect b/c to me he is just another man. See, I love my Dad, but my emotions are still mixed about him b/c he still has to learn how to put me and my little sister 1st. I am learning that is ok as long I choose to continue to deal with them b/c I know that God has always and will continue to look out for the best interests of our hearts.
Since I have been made aware of the revelation of my Dad, I realize now that Jay was not and will never be my husband. I have now realized that I wanted him b/c I just wanted a man and that the Lord used him for 2 yrs to prepare me on how to handle my true husband, the man He has for me. My Dad, Jay, my ex, and other former love interests all have 1 disturbing thing in common: They all operate from a con man's mentality.
It was troubling for me to sit back and realize that throughout my life, I have been attracted to men who are like my Dad, but I have chosen by God's grace to break this vicious, hurtful cycle.
So, with this knowledge, I have prayed to God that my husband's character will be the complete opposite of my Dad, ex, and former love interests. I have prayed that he will be completely surrendered to Christ and choose to operate out of integrity so that he can and will earn my trust.
So, I am learning how to come to terms with my past and be @ peace with it. I know with God's grace, mercy, and strength, I will be able to completely heal from my past. However, I am blessed to realize now that God defines who I am not my past. That is ALL of the validation and hope I need to live another day.
Until next time...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Jay
I have referred in previous posts regarding Jay being my husband and the Lord releasing me from him, but I have never went into detail about him. Now, I believe is the time to talk about since I believe the Lord has spoke to me about him.
I believe today is a good day for me to talk about him since today is my ex's birthday. I'll explain my reasoning for that later in this blog entry.
I first met Jay on March 2, 2008 while he was working for DART, the public transportation system in Dallas. At the time, I was being disobedient to the Lord and dating my ex. So, when Jay approached me to date him, I couldn't b/c I was being faithful to my sorry ex who I know now did not and will never love me the way I need to be loved.
After our 1st meeting Jay continued to pursue, but again, I refused because I loved my ex and was being faithful to him, but 1 day I chose to break it off with him and chose to talk to Jay to see if he was still interested in me, and to my surprise he rejected me because he was not going to be the rebound guy. Now that I look back, he was right and he deserved my full attention.
After this, the Lord consistently gave me dreams about us coming together. He also showed me what form of spiritual warfare he was enduring so I could pray for him. He also gave me dreams as to what the consequences would be if I returned to my ex. Those consequences were to displease Him through my disobedience and lose any opportunity in dating & marrying Jay. So, I was obedient and was extremely happy that the Lord was going to restore the time I had lost with Him and Jay. Later, he showed me through a series of dreams and in reality that Jay was my husband.
The 1st year that I knew Jay we barely talked, but due to a series of events that only Rosheeda knows about, we eventually started talking again. Jay had made some foolish decisions that almost caused me to lose all respect for him, but God intervened and showed me how to forgive him and to love him as He loves him.
Then miracles started happening and God started answering my prayers. He allowed Jay to tell me personal stuff about himself and he even opened up to me about his past. He started trusting me and liking me and vice versa. After everything we had been through, Jay had earned my trust and respect and I believed that he was my husband b/c the dreams God Himself gave me were coming to pass.
I got so happy that I told my Dad, who was incarcerated @ the time. He was happy for me and believed Jay was my husband too. Then, all of a sudden, God told me through Rosheeda to back off and not talk to him as much. So, I obeyed and believed God would turn around whatever issuses that were going on in his heart. So, God told me to pray for him all the time and continue to be obedient and I did just that. I wrote in my prayer journal constantly about his heart transformation and us coming together as man and wife as I believe God had promised me.
It got to the point I got tired of being obedient and riding the bus with him every other weekend because I was not seeing my prayers being answered. I was surrendered and obedient and did everything God told me to do. I had child like faith and was obedient as a result of it.
He told me not to behave as a single woman because Jay was my husband. He had me no longer talk to guys on the bus or take their #s because Jay was watching me. So, I was obedient. Men who did show interest in me, I prayed God would send them away because, again, I believed He told me Jay was my husband. It got to the point where God told me to say in faith that we were dating to everyone, including my Dad. So, I obeyed. God told me Jay was my husband through a prophetess.
Three years ago I believed another man was my husband. I believed this for a year. I was new in my prophetic gift and I thought God told me to tell him he was my husband. At the time, he was in a position of leadership @ my church. Instead of correcting me gently as a sister in Christ, he made me feel worthless. Now, that I look back, I am so happy that the Lord chose not to give him to me as my husband because I would have been miserable, frustrated, and struggling to act like a Stepford wife because I would not have been free to be myself and have the ability to be comfortable in my own skin as the woman I am. He told me as a result of that experience, I would get the man I want and that man was Jay. With Jay, I am able to be myself and am comfortable in my own skin.
So when God told me in April, through Rosheeda that I was released from him because he was being disobedient I was hurt and angry and to some degree I still am. As I have written in previous blog entries, I lost my child like faith, the joy of my salvation, and the ability to trust God completely. I could not and still do not believe that God will have spend 2 years believing Him for Jay to be my husband without closure. God told me through His Word that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I believed that God would restore our relationship completely and have us fulfill our calls to His Glory as 1 flesh.
Then slowly, but surely, I started moving forward. God is 1st in my life again. I am being obedient and sruggling to trust in His Timing again. My child like faith and the joy of my salvation are being restored. I am content with my life even though @ times I wish this season of my life was over, but God has promised me the rainbow. I now know that God is my Dad and Husband. I can finally say that even though His personal promises as not fulfilled yet, I can see the silver lining.
Now that I have finally moved on with my life, I believe God has surprised me again. See, a week after I returned from MO God told me that my Dad is praying for me. He told me that he is praying for Him to reveal to me who my husband by a certain time period so he can be the voice of reason for our reconciliation because my Dad knows I am still angry @ him.
I told my Dad in April that Jay and I broke up. He told me that when I stick with God I will be blessed. Now, here is the kicker, I believe I heard the Lord tell me that my Dad is praying to Him for Jay and I to reconcile because he feels as if I can relate to him since I have a history with him and he can be the voice of reason on his behalf. The Lord told me He will honor all of his prayer requests.
I am upset about this because when I prayed for God to bring us together again, He told me no because I wanted him back for my own purposes, but when my Dad prayed, He prayed with His Agenda in mind. His Agenda being to bring reconciliation between my Dad and I.
The Lord told me that my husband is going through a transformation in every form. Jay is going through a serious transformation now. I believe the Lord has told me that he is praying for me personally and to see me again because he misses my presence. I believe He has told me his prayers go deeper than that, but He won't release them to me @ this time.
To be honest, I don't know if I'm hearing the Lord correctly or not, but I pray that I am. I don't if I am hearing His Voice or my heart's desire. Either way, I have prayed this, if Jay is my husband, bring him back into my life and if he is not my husband, bring my true husband into my life and keep Jay away. However, I am praying that I have heard the Lord correctly.
I am so tempted to go back to my ex because it seeems as if moving forward is not getting me anywhere. I feel as if this season has no end in sight, but I choose to hold my ground. I choose not to go back because I have so much to loose if I do. What I have been through with Jay and what I am going through now would not have occurred if I would've just waited and obeyed, but I choose not to live in my past. I must forget those things that lie behind and press on toward the mark (Phil. 3:12-14). I cannot live in the past, nor can I change it. I also choose not to condemn myself. So, I choose to wait for confirmation or correction about what I believe I heard about my Dad and Jay. So, I have learned my lesson. I love my ex and always will. I actually hope he had a wonderful birthday, but I choose not to put myself in that vicious cycle again and miss out on my true husband again-Jay or not.
Until next time....
I believe today is a good day for me to talk about him since today is my ex's birthday. I'll explain my reasoning for that later in this blog entry.
I first met Jay on March 2, 2008 while he was working for DART, the public transportation system in Dallas. At the time, I was being disobedient to the Lord and dating my ex. So, when Jay approached me to date him, I couldn't b/c I was being faithful to my sorry ex who I know now did not and will never love me the way I need to be loved.
After our 1st meeting Jay continued to pursue, but again, I refused because I loved my ex and was being faithful to him, but 1 day I chose to break it off with him and chose to talk to Jay to see if he was still interested in me, and to my surprise he rejected me because he was not going to be the rebound guy. Now that I look back, he was right and he deserved my full attention.
After this, the Lord consistently gave me dreams about us coming together. He also showed me what form of spiritual warfare he was enduring so I could pray for him. He also gave me dreams as to what the consequences would be if I returned to my ex. Those consequences were to displease Him through my disobedience and lose any opportunity in dating & marrying Jay. So, I was obedient and was extremely happy that the Lord was going to restore the time I had lost with Him and Jay. Later, he showed me through a series of dreams and in reality that Jay was my husband.
The 1st year that I knew Jay we barely talked, but due to a series of events that only Rosheeda knows about, we eventually started talking again. Jay had made some foolish decisions that almost caused me to lose all respect for him, but God intervened and showed me how to forgive him and to love him as He loves him.
Then miracles started happening and God started answering my prayers. He allowed Jay to tell me personal stuff about himself and he even opened up to me about his past. He started trusting me and liking me and vice versa. After everything we had been through, Jay had earned my trust and respect and I believed that he was my husband b/c the dreams God Himself gave me were coming to pass.
I got so happy that I told my Dad, who was incarcerated @ the time. He was happy for me and believed Jay was my husband too. Then, all of a sudden, God told me through Rosheeda to back off and not talk to him as much. So, I obeyed and believed God would turn around whatever issuses that were going on in his heart. So, God told me to pray for him all the time and continue to be obedient and I did just that. I wrote in my prayer journal constantly about his heart transformation and us coming together as man and wife as I believe God had promised me.
It got to the point I got tired of being obedient and riding the bus with him every other weekend because I was not seeing my prayers being answered. I was surrendered and obedient and did everything God told me to do. I had child like faith and was obedient as a result of it.
He told me not to behave as a single woman because Jay was my husband. He had me no longer talk to guys on the bus or take their #s because Jay was watching me. So, I was obedient. Men who did show interest in me, I prayed God would send them away because, again, I believed He told me Jay was my husband. It got to the point where God told me to say in faith that we were dating to everyone, including my Dad. So, I obeyed. God told me Jay was my husband through a prophetess.
Three years ago I believed another man was my husband. I believed this for a year. I was new in my prophetic gift and I thought God told me to tell him he was my husband. At the time, he was in a position of leadership @ my church. Instead of correcting me gently as a sister in Christ, he made me feel worthless. Now, that I look back, I am so happy that the Lord chose not to give him to me as my husband because I would have been miserable, frustrated, and struggling to act like a Stepford wife because I would not have been free to be myself and have the ability to be comfortable in my own skin as the woman I am. He told me as a result of that experience, I would get the man I want and that man was Jay. With Jay, I am able to be myself and am comfortable in my own skin.
So when God told me in April, through Rosheeda that I was released from him because he was being disobedient I was hurt and angry and to some degree I still am. As I have written in previous blog entries, I lost my child like faith, the joy of my salvation, and the ability to trust God completely. I could not and still do not believe that God will have spend 2 years believing Him for Jay to be my husband without closure. God told me through His Word that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I believed that God would restore our relationship completely and have us fulfill our calls to His Glory as 1 flesh.
Then slowly, but surely, I started moving forward. God is 1st in my life again. I am being obedient and sruggling to trust in His Timing again. My child like faith and the joy of my salvation are being restored. I am content with my life even though @ times I wish this season of my life was over, but God has promised me the rainbow. I now know that God is my Dad and Husband. I can finally say that even though His personal promises as not fulfilled yet, I can see the silver lining.
Now that I have finally moved on with my life, I believe God has surprised me again. See, a week after I returned from MO God told me that my Dad is praying for me. He told me that he is praying for Him to reveal to me who my husband by a certain time period so he can be the voice of reason for our reconciliation because my Dad knows I am still angry @ him.
I told my Dad in April that Jay and I broke up. He told me that when I stick with God I will be blessed. Now, here is the kicker, I believe I heard the Lord tell me that my Dad is praying to Him for Jay and I to reconcile because he feels as if I can relate to him since I have a history with him and he can be the voice of reason on his behalf. The Lord told me He will honor all of his prayer requests.
I am upset about this because when I prayed for God to bring us together again, He told me no because I wanted him back for my own purposes, but when my Dad prayed, He prayed with His Agenda in mind. His Agenda being to bring reconciliation between my Dad and I.
The Lord told me that my husband is going through a transformation in every form. Jay is going through a serious transformation now. I believe the Lord has told me that he is praying for me personally and to see me again because he misses my presence. I believe He has told me his prayers go deeper than that, but He won't release them to me @ this time.
To be honest, I don't know if I'm hearing the Lord correctly or not, but I pray that I am. I don't if I am hearing His Voice or my heart's desire. Either way, I have prayed this, if Jay is my husband, bring him back into my life and if he is not my husband, bring my true husband into my life and keep Jay away. However, I am praying that I have heard the Lord correctly.
I am so tempted to go back to my ex because it seeems as if moving forward is not getting me anywhere. I feel as if this season has no end in sight, but I choose to hold my ground. I choose not to go back because I have so much to loose if I do. What I have been through with Jay and what I am going through now would not have occurred if I would've just waited and obeyed, but I choose not to live in my past. I must forget those things that lie behind and press on toward the mark (Phil. 3:12-14). I cannot live in the past, nor can I change it. I also choose not to condemn myself. So, I choose to wait for confirmation or correction about what I believe I heard about my Dad and Jay. So, I have learned my lesson. I love my ex and always will. I actually hope he had a wonderful birthday, but I choose not to put myself in that vicious cycle again and miss out on my true husband again-Jay or not.
Until next time....
Sunday, August 1, 2010
God's Purposes in Unorthodox Situations
Last month, I reluctantly took a trip to St. Louis, MO out of obedience to God, my Heavenly Father. On that trip, I saw my Dad for the 1st time in 6 yrs and he is no longer incarcerated. I met his beautiful fiancee Tracy. I also went to the McQueen family reunion and connected with Amber and her beautiful family. The best day out that whole weekend was Saturday. It was the rest of the weekend that was difficult to handle. Before I went on the trip, I asked God to make the trip fall through, but when He refused, I asked Him to show me His Purpose for the trip. I will admit He was very faithful to show His Purposes in some uncomfortable and unorthodox ways. Before I went on the trip, I was very discontent and ungrateful with where God has placed me in my life. Then, He allowed me to see how my Dad was living.
Even though he has his own place and truck, he wasn't living how I perceived. His house has no central air and heat and no shower head. He barely had any food in the fridge and he has a small truck. He has no internet access which is why my travel arrangements were horrific and the cable in my room did not work @ all. In other words, ALL of the things I took for granted before the trip, I am more appreciative of them now.
I know my Dad did his best and that he was happy to see me and spend time with me, but the feelings were not mutual. I did not have the instant connection I should have with him. I know this now because after all of this time I am still angry @ my Dad. I thought I was jealous of him, but from what Rosheeda told me and I know now to be true, anger can mask itself under a myriad of negative emotions-jealousy being 1 of them.
Now, the Lord told me that I have gotten past being angry with him in some ways, but now it is time to truly deal with the true reason of my anger- the root of rejection he unknowingly planted in my heart. This was revealed to me today before church. I was angry and didn't know why and now I can truly say I need to be healed from this anger and pain and move forward.
There were a series of events that got me to this point of transperancy and to this realization. One instance is that my Dad had known for months about this trip, but when my hours changed @ work he didn't try to rearrange it. Instead, he played it by ear. Going to MO was fine, I got there in an hour and 20 minutes, but when it was time for me to return to Dallas, he got me the latest and longest flight out so I could go to church with him. I did not get home until 2:00 AM early Monday morning. When he booked the ticket, he didn't bother to tell me it would take me almost 8 hours to get home w/a layover in Atlanta. Personally, I feel as if he was fine with getting me there for his special event, but when it was time to get me home so I could rest and get prepared to live my life, he just didn't care. Because of this, I am having a difficult time not believing that my Dad is just an insensitive, nonchalant jerk who deserves to be treated like any other man who has no place in my life.
Once I finally accepted I would be leaving MO @ 4:45 pm (or so I thought) I agreed to go to church with him. After service there was a Men's meeting and to make a long story short his pastor was rude to me and my Dad just sat there and smiled and said that is my daughter. Then, when I told him how upset, tired, and frustrated I was, he said the pastor lets the success of the Men's Ministry get to his head and then again he laughed. At that point, I felt as if my Dad didn't care anything about my best interest and well being @ all. It hurt me that my Dad was completely insensitive to how I felt when I was tired, vulnerable, and weak.
Then Rosheeda had me realize that it wasn't what happened @ church or even the flight issues I was angry about, but it was deeper, much deeper. I am really angry that God expects me to receive this man back into my life. To be honest, I don't want my Dad in my world because when I needed him he was not there @ all.
On my trip, my Dad was asking questions about when I plan to have kids and get a man and I shut him down because he was getting too personal. My Dad doesn't know me and I am not sure I want to know him. Rosheeda told me that I see him as just another man and not as my Dad and she is right. Of course, I asked the Lord what she meant and He said I do not respect him as a father @ all, just like I do not respect any other man who does not have a significant place in my life and in my heart. He told me that is a problem because he is my father.
I know he is my father, but I feel as respect has to be earned and in my life and in my opinion my Dad has not earned my trust and respect @ all. I know God does not show favoritism because that is completely outside of his character. The Lord just had to explain to me that my Dad's prayers regarding my husband and Jay will be answered and honored. Of course, I got upset about that because I've been praying for the same things my Dad is praying for, but He chooses to answer his prayers quickly and I'm still struggling and being obedient. So, yes, I am angry @ my Dad. I don't know why God would have me accept him back into my world now when GOD has been my Daddy for 29 years and will continue to be my Dad for eternity. God is Enough. He is my All in All. However, I must be obedient to His Will even I am not joyful or happy about it @ all.
The Lord told me that my Dad loves me unconditionally and that I am the apple of his eye. He also told me that he knows I am still angry @ him. Today, in church, Roxanne told me that I love my Dad conditionally, not unconditionally as God loves me and as it is described in 1 Corinthians 13- The Love Chapter. She told me that this is not the will of God and to allow to heal my heart which will take time. She also told me that I need to express myself more often because I bottle up a lot and if I continue to do so it will affect my physical health. So, as the Lord leads me, I will blog about whatever issue that is lying heavy on my heart. I will also blog about whatever obstacle and trial He allows me to overcome so He can and will get the glory.
So, yes, God had 2 purposes for this trip: to deliver me from discontentment and to bring up pent up anger in my heart to the surface so I can begin the process of healing from hurts from the past regarding my Dad so I can begin the restoration process of beginning a true, genuine, authentic relationship with my Dad.
Until next time......
Even though he has his own place and truck, he wasn't living how I perceived. His house has no central air and heat and no shower head. He barely had any food in the fridge and he has a small truck. He has no internet access which is why my travel arrangements were horrific and the cable in my room did not work @ all. In other words, ALL of the things I took for granted before the trip, I am more appreciative of them now.
I know my Dad did his best and that he was happy to see me and spend time with me, but the feelings were not mutual. I did not have the instant connection I should have with him. I know this now because after all of this time I am still angry @ my Dad. I thought I was jealous of him, but from what Rosheeda told me and I know now to be true, anger can mask itself under a myriad of negative emotions-jealousy being 1 of them.
Now, the Lord told me that I have gotten past being angry with him in some ways, but now it is time to truly deal with the true reason of my anger- the root of rejection he unknowingly planted in my heart. This was revealed to me today before church. I was angry and didn't know why and now I can truly say I need to be healed from this anger and pain and move forward.
There were a series of events that got me to this point of transperancy and to this realization. One instance is that my Dad had known for months about this trip, but when my hours changed @ work he didn't try to rearrange it. Instead, he played it by ear. Going to MO was fine, I got there in an hour and 20 minutes, but when it was time for me to return to Dallas, he got me the latest and longest flight out so I could go to church with him. I did not get home until 2:00 AM early Monday morning. When he booked the ticket, he didn't bother to tell me it would take me almost 8 hours to get home w/a layover in Atlanta. Personally, I feel as if he was fine with getting me there for his special event, but when it was time to get me home so I could rest and get prepared to live my life, he just didn't care. Because of this, I am having a difficult time not believing that my Dad is just an insensitive, nonchalant jerk who deserves to be treated like any other man who has no place in my life.
Once I finally accepted I would be leaving MO @ 4:45 pm (or so I thought) I agreed to go to church with him. After service there was a Men's meeting and to make a long story short his pastor was rude to me and my Dad just sat there and smiled and said that is my daughter. Then, when I told him how upset, tired, and frustrated I was, he said the pastor lets the success of the Men's Ministry get to his head and then again he laughed. At that point, I felt as if my Dad didn't care anything about my best interest and well being @ all. It hurt me that my Dad was completely insensitive to how I felt when I was tired, vulnerable, and weak.
Then Rosheeda had me realize that it wasn't what happened @ church or even the flight issues I was angry about, but it was deeper, much deeper. I am really angry that God expects me to receive this man back into my life. To be honest, I don't want my Dad in my world because when I needed him he was not there @ all.
On my trip, my Dad was asking questions about when I plan to have kids and get a man and I shut him down because he was getting too personal. My Dad doesn't know me and I am not sure I want to know him. Rosheeda told me that I see him as just another man and not as my Dad and she is right. Of course, I asked the Lord what she meant and He said I do not respect him as a father @ all, just like I do not respect any other man who does not have a significant place in my life and in my heart. He told me that is a problem because he is my father.
I know he is my father, but I feel as respect has to be earned and in my life and in my opinion my Dad has not earned my trust and respect @ all. I know God does not show favoritism because that is completely outside of his character. The Lord just had to explain to me that my Dad's prayers regarding my husband and Jay will be answered and honored. Of course, I got upset about that because I've been praying for the same things my Dad is praying for, but He chooses to answer his prayers quickly and I'm still struggling and being obedient. So, yes, I am angry @ my Dad. I don't know why God would have me accept him back into my world now when GOD has been my Daddy for 29 years and will continue to be my Dad for eternity. God is Enough. He is my All in All. However, I must be obedient to His Will even I am not joyful or happy about it @ all.
The Lord told me that my Dad loves me unconditionally and that I am the apple of his eye. He also told me that he knows I am still angry @ him. Today, in church, Roxanne told me that I love my Dad conditionally, not unconditionally as God loves me and as it is described in 1 Corinthians 13- The Love Chapter. She told me that this is not the will of God and to allow to heal my heart which will take time. She also told me that I need to express myself more often because I bottle up a lot and if I continue to do so it will affect my physical health. So, as the Lord leads me, I will blog about whatever issue that is lying heavy on my heart. I will also blog about whatever obstacle and trial He allows me to overcome so He can and will get the glory.
So, yes, God had 2 purposes for this trip: to deliver me from discontentment and to bring up pent up anger in my heart to the surface so I can begin the process of healing from hurts from the past regarding my Dad so I can begin the restoration process of beginning a true, genuine, authentic relationship with my Dad.
Until next time......
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Restoration
I can honestly say that I have lost the joy of my salvation. I have lost my joy in serving and being obedient to God and worshipping in Him in Spirit and in truth. My child like faith is gone, but I want to get it back.
On Saturday, the Lord convicted me through my friend, Lynn. He told me through her that He wants me to spend 30 minutes a day with Him reading my Bible and writing in my journal. I stopped doing both on a frequent basis when He released me from Jay. I thought doing that was pointless since the majority of my prayers were related to my journey waiting on Him to bring us together, but apparently, it's not going to happen.
When I quit writing in my prayer journal, I decided to put my journal in storage b/c it was and still is painful to look @ the entries I wrote asking, begging God to bring Jay and I together with the knowledge now that it is never going to happen.
So, I prayed and on Sunday after church, I went to the Bookstore and bought a new journal. I have chosen to be obedient and start over in spending time with God. He told me to start with the basics and do what I do best with Him- be honest and transparent with Him.
To be honest, I am not looking forward to spending time with Him, but He told me He knows this. However, with this knowledge, He still wants to spend time with me and chooses to pursue me. This is very humbling to me. He told me He will meet me where I am to prove to me that He does love me infinitely and that He does have my best interest @ heart. He has also promised me that I will have restoration in my spirit, heart, and soul regarding being passionate in serving Him again and as this restoration unfolds He will answer my heart's desire for my husband. Until next time....
On Saturday, the Lord convicted me through my friend, Lynn. He told me through her that He wants me to spend 30 minutes a day with Him reading my Bible and writing in my journal. I stopped doing both on a frequent basis when He released me from Jay. I thought doing that was pointless since the majority of my prayers were related to my journey waiting on Him to bring us together, but apparently, it's not going to happen.
When I quit writing in my prayer journal, I decided to put my journal in storage b/c it was and still is painful to look @ the entries I wrote asking, begging God to bring Jay and I together with the knowledge now that it is never going to happen.
So, I prayed and on Sunday after church, I went to the Bookstore and bought a new journal. I have chosen to be obedient and start over in spending time with God. He told me to start with the basics and do what I do best with Him- be honest and transparent with Him.
To be honest, I am not looking forward to spending time with Him, but He told me He knows this. However, with this knowledge, He still wants to spend time with me and chooses to pursue me. This is very humbling to me. He told me He will meet me where I am to prove to me that He does love me infinitely and that He does have my best interest @ heart. He has also promised me that I will have restoration in my spirit, heart, and soul regarding being passionate in serving Him again and as this restoration unfolds He will answer my heart's desire for my husband. Until next time....
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Expectations
Since my last post in April, God has moved, but not in the way I hoped and expected. See, by now, I was expecting to have a full time job w/my own place and dating someone new or @ least getting to know someone, but obviously God has other plans. See, my mom moved out of town on June 10th, and that left me trying to figure out where I was going to live since @ the time, I was unemployed. So, now I am living with my cousin and my aunt, but I actually enjoy coming home now. Then, I wasn't living with my aunt a week and I got a temp job downtown with Pitney Bowes, but my happiness was short lived once I learned through my best friend-Rosheeda- that this job is a do over from the last job I worked @ for over 3 years. Now, I need to apply what I have learned from previous mistakes. I haven't been working @ this job a month and I'm facing the same issues I had when I worked for the City of Dallas, but God has me there to be His Light and I have to stay focused on being that. However, I expected this job to be my promised job, not a do over. The Lord told me once I receive a permanent job, then my do over will be complete. But I will say that I am grateful that He has and still continues to provide money for all of my needs. Now, I have to focus on paying for my storage unit, bills, and other necessities. He also told me I need to start saving money for things to buy for my apartment, so I can put them in storage. He told me I will be on my own before the end of August. So, I have accepted that and have chosen to move on.
He told me when before I moved in with my aunt and cousin that I would start dating my husband and some other goals that I have prayed about will begin to happen for me. He told me to do my daily rountine and my husband will come into my world when I least expect Him to. But obviously there is a loophole when it comes to God. See, before I moved in with my aunt, I met a man named Will. I seriously thought he could be mine. Then God gave me a dream, but did not give me a full interpretation. Well, now, He tells me that Will is not my husband either. I really do not want to be disobedient in this area of my life, but now I feel like God is playing games with this desire of my heart. He keeps telling me to trust Him, but now I am resisting doing so because for over 2 years He told me to pray for, hope in Him and believe that Jay was my husband, then He told me to let him go because he went in some other direction. I would have waited for him because I waited 2 years to date him only to get hurt, then once he showed me my neighbor-James-was no good, I avoided him by any means necessary. Then, he allowed Will to come into my world and I liked him, but again God said No. He tells me to not behave as a single woman because I am married to someone, but "someone" is nowhere in my sphere of influence whatsoever. Every man I talk to he says no to. I avoided talking to guys for 2 yrs only to get told to let go, and yet and still He wants me to trust Him in this area of my life. So, I have chosen to be obedient and I erased Will's number from my phone.
God and I have always had this battle regarding my desire to be with my husband. This is why I have always went back to who was comfortable to me, my 1st- Bo, but He said no to him too because He said he treats me like a harlot, and I agree with God on that note. But I can honestly say that the temptation is there to call him, but I choose to resist because Bo does not and will never have my best interest @ heart.
I am so tired of waiting on God for this area of my life. I am lonely. At this point in my life, I feel as if my husband does not exist. God told me He does, but to be honest, I don't believe Him. He is intent on delaying this part of my life coming to fruition on purpose and I am tired of it. I have done my best to do everything He has called me to do and I have been hurt and disappointed every step of the way. I do the right thing for Him, and I get hurt. I choose not to rebel, because I fear and love God too much to do that.
However, I do choose to live my life as He wants me to live and be the light He has called me to be because I know I am complete without a man. So I choose to let go of hoping to have a man care for me and love me as He does from Him. In other words, I have truly given up hope that He will ever trust me with that gift. Until next time....
He told me when before I moved in with my aunt and cousin that I would start dating my husband and some other goals that I have prayed about will begin to happen for me. He told me to do my daily rountine and my husband will come into my world when I least expect Him to. But obviously there is a loophole when it comes to God. See, before I moved in with my aunt, I met a man named Will. I seriously thought he could be mine. Then God gave me a dream, but did not give me a full interpretation. Well, now, He tells me that Will is not my husband either. I really do not want to be disobedient in this area of my life, but now I feel like God is playing games with this desire of my heart. He keeps telling me to trust Him, but now I am resisting doing so because for over 2 years He told me to pray for, hope in Him and believe that Jay was my husband, then He told me to let him go because he went in some other direction. I would have waited for him because I waited 2 years to date him only to get hurt, then once he showed me my neighbor-James-was no good, I avoided him by any means necessary. Then, he allowed Will to come into my world and I liked him, but again God said No. He tells me to not behave as a single woman because I am married to someone, but "someone" is nowhere in my sphere of influence whatsoever. Every man I talk to he says no to. I avoided talking to guys for 2 yrs only to get told to let go, and yet and still He wants me to trust Him in this area of my life. So, I have chosen to be obedient and I erased Will's number from my phone.
God and I have always had this battle regarding my desire to be with my husband. This is why I have always went back to who was comfortable to me, my 1st- Bo, but He said no to him too because He said he treats me like a harlot, and I agree with God on that note. But I can honestly say that the temptation is there to call him, but I choose to resist because Bo does not and will never have my best interest @ heart.
I am so tired of waiting on God for this area of my life. I am lonely. At this point in my life, I feel as if my husband does not exist. God told me He does, but to be honest, I don't believe Him. He is intent on delaying this part of my life coming to fruition on purpose and I am tired of it. I have done my best to do everything He has called me to do and I have been hurt and disappointed every step of the way. I do the right thing for Him, and I get hurt. I choose not to rebel, because I fear and love God too much to do that.
However, I do choose to live my life as He wants me to live and be the light He has called me to be because I know I am complete without a man. So I choose to let go of hoping to have a man care for me and love me as He does from Him. In other words, I have truly given up hope that He will ever trust me with that gift. Until next time....
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Feeling Forgotten By God
The past 2 weeks have been hard for me. God has closed a lot of doors in my face, including one door that was very close to my heart. On April 6, 2010, God changed His mind and released me from the man who I believe I heard the Lord tell me he was my husband. Out of respect for him, I will call this man Jay. After 2 years , 1 month, and 4 days of praying, fasting, believing, hoping, and a series of dream interpretations, God released me from him. I am upset because I feel as if I wasted my time, my energy, and my breath, having faith and believing this man was mine. The Lord told me that Jay was disobedient and chose not to get know me. He also told me I am in His perfect will to receive my true husband and He even told me when I will meet him. I should be happy, but I am not. I should believe Him, but I don't. Last time I believed God about my husband, He changed His mind. So, I am just waiting for Him to change His mind again. My best friend, Rosheeda, told me God is not cruel, but I am seriously having a hard time believing that.
God has been changing His mind a lot lately and in doing so closing doors. He has closed doors on me having a job @ Target, a job @ a company in a suburb of Dallas, a job He told me was mine in June of 2009, dating my neighbor, and finally dating and eventually marrying Jay. He has told me He has closed these doors because He loves me and this is His way of protecting me and showing me another side of His provision for me. He keeps telling me He has something and someone better for me. He has even told me when this is to take place, but I don't believe Him.
He told me He wants to be enough and since I belong to Him, He wants me to find my value in Him. To be honest, I feel forgotten by Him. Since He closed the door on me ever having a future with Jay, I have stopped believing He has my best interest @ heart. I have stopped believing in miracles and that He can do the impossible.
Every time I give Him my all, He takes something else from me. I have lost my desire to worship Him and to serve Him and to love Him for Who He is. I have lost my joy and my child like faith. I wake up every morning sad and hurting. At this point in my life, I am sad, discouraged, and hurting. I see no end in sight in this season.
Now, I only serve God out of obligation because I believe my obedience to Him will never pay off. I have stopped praying because I believe He is going to do what He wants to do anyway. I have lost interest in the things I enjoyed doing. I used to love to pray and write in my journal. I used to love to read and go to the lake to spend time with Him. The last time I went to the lake, He told me my prayers regarding Jay were being answered and to keep praying for him and this latest job opportunity was mine. The following week He released me from him and the job opportunity fell through.
He told me I need to save $$$ to move out on my own and make the neccessary purchases to furnish my apartment, but how am I supposed to do that when the $$ from my savings and checking accounts are going to be used for this month's bills only? I am running out of money and when I pay these bills I will have no $$$.
To be honest, I think God thinks my life is 1 big joke, because when I believe Him and trust Him, He changes His mind because He can do that. He expects me to be obedient and trust Him with all of my heart and have joy. I am tired of being obedient and not seeing the rewards of what I do for Him.
I haven't prayed and wrote in my journal in 6 days, and to be honest I don't know when I will have meaningful, trusting prayer and write in my journal again because I don't trust Him.
And to be honest, I don't know when I will do so again. Until next time....
God has been changing His mind a lot lately and in doing so closing doors. He has closed doors on me having a job @ Target, a job @ a company in a suburb of Dallas, a job He told me was mine in June of 2009, dating my neighbor, and finally dating and eventually marrying Jay. He has told me He has closed these doors because He loves me and this is His way of protecting me and showing me another side of His provision for me. He keeps telling me He has something and someone better for me. He has even told me when this is to take place, but I don't believe Him.
He told me He wants to be enough and since I belong to Him, He wants me to find my value in Him. To be honest, I feel forgotten by Him. Since He closed the door on me ever having a future with Jay, I have stopped believing He has my best interest @ heart. I have stopped believing in miracles and that He can do the impossible.
Every time I give Him my all, He takes something else from me. I have lost my desire to worship Him and to serve Him and to love Him for Who He is. I have lost my joy and my child like faith. I wake up every morning sad and hurting. At this point in my life, I am sad, discouraged, and hurting. I see no end in sight in this season.
Now, I only serve God out of obligation because I believe my obedience to Him will never pay off. I have stopped praying because I believe He is going to do what He wants to do anyway. I have lost interest in the things I enjoyed doing. I used to love to pray and write in my journal. I used to love to read and go to the lake to spend time with Him. The last time I went to the lake, He told me my prayers regarding Jay were being answered and to keep praying for him and this latest job opportunity was mine. The following week He released me from him and the job opportunity fell through.
He told me I need to save $$$ to move out on my own and make the neccessary purchases to furnish my apartment, but how am I supposed to do that when the $$ from my savings and checking accounts are going to be used for this month's bills only? I am running out of money and when I pay these bills I will have no $$$.
To be honest, I think God thinks my life is 1 big joke, because when I believe Him and trust Him, He changes His mind because He can do that. He expects me to be obedient and trust Him with all of my heart and have joy. I am tired of being obedient and not seeing the rewards of what I do for Him.
I haven't prayed and wrote in my journal in 6 days, and to be honest I don't know when I will have meaningful, trusting prayer and write in my journal again because I don't trust Him.
And to be honest, I don't know when I will do so again. Until next time....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
My True Feelings about My Dad
As I have stated in previous entries my Dad was blocked from being a part of my life before I was born, and when I was a growing up, my grandma made sure she blocked every attempt for allowing him to be a part of my life.
Even though I know this, I am still hurt, because deep down I believe he still could've fought for me. A part of me belileves that with my Dad choosing not to fight for me, he rejected me.
I believe if my Dad was a part of my life from the beginning, I would be a completely different, better woman, but only God knows that.
I love my Dad, but like my Mom, my relationship with him is very dysfunctional as well. I am so much like my Dad, to the point that it scares me that is why I like to love him from a distance. I forgive my Dad, but I do not trust him yet. I know rebuilding my relationship with my Dad will not be easy. I know it will be a long road to get to where I need my relationship to be with him to be, but this part of the road hurts.
I have mixed feelings about my Dad. I love him, but I am angry @ him. He missed all of my 1sts for 28 yrs and now he has the nerve to come back into my life to try and be a Dad. My best friend Rosheeda convinced me last year to let my Dad back into my life for 2 reasons: he is the only father I have and he couldn't help that my mom and grandma made sure he missed my formative years because he respected their wishes and did what they demanded-passively and aggressively. My best friend is ALWAYS RIGHT, but there are times I 2nd guess myself for allowing her to convince me to let him back into my life.
In addition to my grandma and mom's actions, my Dad was locked up when I was 15 or 16 years old, and when my sister was 3. I didn't find out about his imprisonment until I was in college. When I did find out I visited him when I was 22, and got a sobering reality check of how prison life is like. My Dad was released from prison on June 26, 2009 after serving a 12 year prison term.
Before he got out of prison, I promised God, my best friend-Rosheeda, and most importantly my Dad, that I would give him another chance to be my Daddy. I am keeping my promise, but I will admit and be brutally honest- it is hard as hell. Because now that he is back in my life, he is trying to be my Dad and a part of me believes it is too late.
I mean when I needed him to make me feel loved, secure, and significant as a little girl and a teenager he wasn't there. I needed him, when I was a little girl, to teach me how to ride my bike. Instead, I learned how to ride my bike by myself, in an apartment complex, while my mom was sleep.
I really needed my Dad as a teenager to tell and teach me how men think and how they function. Instead, as a teenager, I heard my grandma tell me that all guys wanted what was under my dress, and she left it @ that w/o an explanation.
Because of my grandma's choice to shelter me, I went to college naive about men. My Dad was not there to guide me to tell me what guys to avoid and how to protect my spirit, heart, mind, and body in the process. I did not have him tell me how beautiful I was (and still am) in God's Eyes. I didn't have him there to tell me I was (and still am) the apple of God's eye. I didn't have him tell me how precious I was (and still am) to God. Because of his failure to be there, I had to learn what men to avoid the hard way, and I am angry and hurt that my Dad was not there to affirm and protect me.
If I would've had him there, then I believe I would not have went through so much pain. I went through my teenage years and college looking for love in all of the wrong places in the wrong ways because my Dad failed to make smart decisions which caused him to go to prison.
I had to learn the hard way, throughout college and 2 abusive ex-boyfriends. One ex-boyfriend damaged me so bad that when I moved to Dallas, I had no idea who I was and Who I belonged to because he had destroyed my self-esteem that bad, but he is another story. I believe, no, I know if my Dad was around I would have never have fallen for him or any other man who has hurt me in my past.
Now, as a woman, my Dad is back in my world, ironically, now he is being my Dad and I don't like it because I did not have 1 growing up, and I believe he is trying too hard to make up for lost time.
For instance, @ this point in my world, I really need my Dad support and affirmation. Instead, I feel like I am getting judged and criticized because everything in his world is going his way.
One time I told my Dad I was going to cut my perm off and go natural. I expected him to tell me I would look beautiful, but instead he said, "You are cutting your hair again?"
Then, one time he wanted to know if the man God has told me is my husband and I have plans of moving in together, engagement, or marriage and when I would make him a grandpa. He wants to be 1 in 5 yrs.
Recently, I told him I was going through hard times. Instead of him being supportive and saying everything will be fine, he suggests maybe I heard the Lord wrong about my personal life and questioned how would I survive in Dallas if my mom moved back to our hometown. He really made me angry when he brought up he heard from my biological grandpa (his Dad) about my mom's job situation because my grandpa was (still is) talking to my grandma who gossips.
Neither person has all of the facts. My Dad tried to assure me that he has only talked to his Dad twice since he has been out of prison, but I do not believe him, and now I do not trust him.
The Lord has really blessed my Dad. Within 6 months of his prison release, he got his own place, a truck, a good paying job, and a woman to whom he is engaged to. Their wedding date is October 16th and I have agreed to be a part of the wedding, but now I am having 2nd thoughts.
Don't get me wrong I am happy for my Dad. However, a part of me resents the fact that God has blessed him so quickly after his prison release and I have been put through the ringer my WHOLE life and God still has not given me the desires of my heart. I know this is wrong, but that is how I feel.
I know the Lord allowed my Dad to go through a lot in prison before He could trust him with what He promised him. My dad paid a heavy cost to have the blessings God gave him.
I know God knows what He is doing, that He is in control, and that He is sovereign, but what about me?
A part of me feel like I can't be a part of this wedding until God blesses me. BUT since I am his daughter, his 1st born, I will a part of this wedding if God chooses to bless me or not. I am to be a part of this wedding out of obedience and love for God and my Dad. However, obedience does hurt, especially when my obedience has not been rewarded yet.
God has made Psalm 27:10 a reality in my life. Both of my parents abandoned me- willingly and unwillingly, but God received me. He still receives me to this day. He is my Mom and my Dad. He is my support and comfort. He is firm and my disciplinarian. God has been and still my Everything. He is perfect. He loves me unconditionally. He accepts me for who I am, but refuses to leave me where I am. God has raised me from a precious baby girl to the woman I am today, and He is not through with me yet. So with ALL of the pain, I have endured growing up, God has never left me, nor forsaken me. So, I am very thankful to Him for my life because if I had lived my life this way for 28 years, I would not know God the way I do and I would be the woman I am today Until next time....
Even though I know this, I am still hurt, because deep down I believe he still could've fought for me. A part of me belileves that with my Dad choosing not to fight for me, he rejected me.
I believe if my Dad was a part of my life from the beginning, I would be a completely different, better woman, but only God knows that.
I love my Dad, but like my Mom, my relationship with him is very dysfunctional as well. I am so much like my Dad, to the point that it scares me that is why I like to love him from a distance. I forgive my Dad, but I do not trust him yet. I know rebuilding my relationship with my Dad will not be easy. I know it will be a long road to get to where I need my relationship to be with him to be, but this part of the road hurts.
I have mixed feelings about my Dad. I love him, but I am angry @ him. He missed all of my 1sts for 28 yrs and now he has the nerve to come back into my life to try and be a Dad. My best friend Rosheeda convinced me last year to let my Dad back into my life for 2 reasons: he is the only father I have and he couldn't help that my mom and grandma made sure he missed my formative years because he respected their wishes and did what they demanded-passively and aggressively. My best friend is ALWAYS RIGHT, but there are times I 2nd guess myself for allowing her to convince me to let him back into my life.
In addition to my grandma and mom's actions, my Dad was locked up when I was 15 or 16 years old, and when my sister was 3. I didn't find out about his imprisonment until I was in college. When I did find out I visited him when I was 22, and got a sobering reality check of how prison life is like. My Dad was released from prison on June 26, 2009 after serving a 12 year prison term.
Before he got out of prison, I promised God, my best friend-Rosheeda, and most importantly my Dad, that I would give him another chance to be my Daddy. I am keeping my promise, but I will admit and be brutally honest- it is hard as hell. Because now that he is back in my life, he is trying to be my Dad and a part of me believes it is too late.
I mean when I needed him to make me feel loved, secure, and significant as a little girl and a teenager he wasn't there. I needed him, when I was a little girl, to teach me how to ride my bike. Instead, I learned how to ride my bike by myself, in an apartment complex, while my mom was sleep.
I really needed my Dad as a teenager to tell and teach me how men think and how they function. Instead, as a teenager, I heard my grandma tell me that all guys wanted what was under my dress, and she left it @ that w/o an explanation.
Because of my grandma's choice to shelter me, I went to college naive about men. My Dad was not there to guide me to tell me what guys to avoid and how to protect my spirit, heart, mind, and body in the process. I did not have him tell me how beautiful I was (and still am) in God's Eyes. I didn't have him there to tell me I was (and still am) the apple of God's eye. I didn't have him tell me how precious I was (and still am) to God. Because of his failure to be there, I had to learn what men to avoid the hard way, and I am angry and hurt that my Dad was not there to affirm and protect me.
If I would've had him there, then I believe I would not have went through so much pain. I went through my teenage years and college looking for love in all of the wrong places in the wrong ways because my Dad failed to make smart decisions which caused him to go to prison.
I had to learn the hard way, throughout college and 2 abusive ex-boyfriends. One ex-boyfriend damaged me so bad that when I moved to Dallas, I had no idea who I was and Who I belonged to because he had destroyed my self-esteem that bad, but he is another story. I believe, no, I know if my Dad was around I would have never have fallen for him or any other man who has hurt me in my past.
Now, as a woman, my Dad is back in my world, ironically, now he is being my Dad and I don't like it because I did not have 1 growing up, and I believe he is trying too hard to make up for lost time.
For instance, @ this point in my world, I really need my Dad support and affirmation. Instead, I feel like I am getting judged and criticized because everything in his world is going his way.
One time I told my Dad I was going to cut my perm off and go natural. I expected him to tell me I would look beautiful, but instead he said, "You are cutting your hair again?"
Then, one time he wanted to know if the man God has told me is my husband and I have plans of moving in together, engagement, or marriage and when I would make him a grandpa. He wants to be 1 in 5 yrs.
Recently, I told him I was going through hard times. Instead of him being supportive and saying everything will be fine, he suggests maybe I heard the Lord wrong about my personal life and questioned how would I survive in Dallas if my mom moved back to our hometown. He really made me angry when he brought up he heard from my biological grandpa (his Dad) about my mom's job situation because my grandpa was (still is) talking to my grandma who gossips.
Neither person has all of the facts. My Dad tried to assure me that he has only talked to his Dad twice since he has been out of prison, but I do not believe him, and now I do not trust him.
The Lord has really blessed my Dad. Within 6 months of his prison release, he got his own place, a truck, a good paying job, and a woman to whom he is engaged to. Their wedding date is October 16th and I have agreed to be a part of the wedding, but now I am having 2nd thoughts.
Don't get me wrong I am happy for my Dad. However, a part of me resents the fact that God has blessed him so quickly after his prison release and I have been put through the ringer my WHOLE life and God still has not given me the desires of my heart. I know this is wrong, but that is how I feel.
I know the Lord allowed my Dad to go through a lot in prison before He could trust him with what He promised him. My dad paid a heavy cost to have the blessings God gave him.
I know God knows what He is doing, that He is in control, and that He is sovereign, but what about me?
A part of me feel like I can't be a part of this wedding until God blesses me. BUT since I am his daughter, his 1st born, I will a part of this wedding if God chooses to bless me or not. I am to be a part of this wedding out of obedience and love for God and my Dad. However, obedience does hurt, especially when my obedience has not been rewarded yet.
God has made Psalm 27:10 a reality in my life. Both of my parents abandoned me- willingly and unwillingly, but God received me. He still receives me to this day. He is my Mom and my Dad. He is my support and comfort. He is firm and my disciplinarian. God has been and still my Everything. He is perfect. He loves me unconditionally. He accepts me for who I am, but refuses to leave me where I am. God has raised me from a precious baby girl to the woman I am today, and He is not through with me yet. So with ALL of the pain, I have endured growing up, God has never left me, nor forsaken me. So, I am very thankful to Him for my life because if I had lived my life this way for 28 years, I would not know God the way I do and I would be the woman I am today Until next time....
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