Monday, July 11, 2016

God is Smiling on Me

I am humbled and thankful for God's Favor upon my life. He has done things for me in than 3 months that would've taken me years to accomplish.

I'm so thankful He's allowing me to rest. I am no longer working 2 jobs. I'm happy to report that in May 2016, I passed the Certification Exam. I had to take it twice. The 1st time I took it, I passed everything, but Math.
Obviously, I was upset (mainly at God for allowing that to happen) and tempted to give up, BUT GOD said no. I was obedient and I am so thankful that I was.
God revealed to me through a series of events how Sovereign He is.
Once I passed the Math part of the test, I was deemed certified to teach in the State of Texas. Now, I have to take another exam to have my license to teach be valid for and extended to 5 years, but I am not worried about it. I know I will pass it when that time comes. 
I'm just thankful the God has given me the privilege to be a 4th Grade Reading and Writing Teacher for the 2016-17 School Year. I know as a 1st year teacher, it is going to be a challenge, but I know God wouldn't have given me the position if He didn't trust me with the challenges that come along with this profession.

Personally, after much prayer and consideration, I chose to renew my lease in my current apartment for 13 months. I figured I need stability as I embark on a new career path and get back on my feet financially. Besides, my sweet furbabies- Nala and Noah are quite content here. 

In the relationship department, I've chosen to take care of me- spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. God has chosen to allow me to walk out of my season of loneliness and start over! Through a series of events, on March 18, 2016, I went to my 1st Society Dallas meeting at Lake Highlands Baptist Church, courtesy of The Blush Network  (www.theblushnetwork.com). The Society Dallas meetings moved to The Laughing Willow in the Bishop Arts District in Dallas, TX because of the growth.
For a little background knowledge, Society Dallas is part of The Blush Network founded by Autumn Miles. Her mission from God is to teach about the love of Christ in spiritually challenging and providing a safe place for women who are leaders in their own right to come together in different parts of the country and meet once a month to grow and cultivate strong Christ centered relationships.

Since Rosheeda passed away, it was difficult for me to cultivate friendships. It was difficult for me to find friends who had my best interest at heart and would pray for me when I couldn't and/or wouldn't pray for myself, but through these women, GOD has given that back to me. 
Don't get me wrong, Rosheeda will always be my once in a lifetime-sister- forever friend. She is irreplaceable. She will always be in my heart. At this point in my life, I am starting to realize the heart she had for me through these strong, beautiful women.  Recently, I was giving advice to a young woman, after I spoke to her, I had the realization the I have Rosheeda's passion for praying that women will choose God's best plan for them, even if it is not what they had envisioned for their lives; and when the path that are walking is difficult. 
She has only been gone 3 years, 3 months, and 6 days. With each year, each month, and each day that passes by, I am humbled and sometimes overwhelmed with emotion in realizing that characteristically I'm becoming more like her. Her legacy is truly living through me. In knowing this, the healing process in my grief recovery is becoming more bearable.

So, I think she is proud of the woman I have become. I think she is beyond ecstatic that I have found a safe group of women who have my best interest at heart as she did.
I know with this group of women, we will have a lot to learn from God and each other.  

So, to be honest, I am not where I want to be in my life now, especially financially, BUT like my furbabies, I am quite content at where He has placed me at this point in my life. (Phil. 4:11-13).

Sunday, March 13, 2016

New Level of God's Grace

6 years and 1 day ago today (March 12, 2010), I wrote my 1st blog entry. 
At that time, life was hard. I was enduring a difficult season. 
I lost my job and was fighting my former employer for UI benefits. (By God's grace, I fought that battle- with Rosheeda- and won.) 
After living with my Mom for 5 years, going on 6 years at this time. Needless to say, I had a strong desire to move out and build my life.

I was struggling with the fact that the relationships I once cherished were shifting because God was allowing the people in my life to get married and start families.

My prayers for that blog entry was for God to help me reinvent myself. I was also struggling with discouragement and jealousy because God was choosing to bless those around me with what I had been praying for. 

To be honest, TODAY, I am still struggling in my life, but at a different level. However, through it all, God has been faithful.

Professionally, God allowed me to go through some difficult seasons working in call centers, but He has called me to work in the Education field. Now, He has me working 2 jobs. 
My 1st job is being a Teacher's Assistant in the Specialized Unit (Special Education).
My 2nd job is being a Youth Mentor (Work From Home/Part Time).
I love both of my jobs, but God has called me to become a teacher. 
He has opened doors for me to work through an excellent Certification Program. Currently, I am studying for my Certification Exam, and I am praying God will allow me to pass all of the sections the 1st time. 
So, God has allowed me to reinvent myself, but for His Purposes. 

Personally, life has been even more challenging. God was faithful and allowed me to move out on my own. It will be 5 years Memorial Day Weekend since I have been in my apartment. However, at the end of June, He is going to move me again. This time with my 2 cats- my boys- my furbabies- Nala and Noah. I don't know where I'm moving yet and how it is going to happen.
Since October 2013, I have been struggling financially-to the point of almost drowning, but God has always been faithful and has always provided. So, I choose to trust God and when He tells me to move; I'm packing up- me and my furbabies- and moving.

In the relationship department, life has been difficult and has changed dramatically. 
Since Rosheeda passed away unexpectedly, God is allowing me to go through a season of loneliness. Since she has passed away, I struggle with depression and discouragement. I struggle to hope.
Since she has been gone, I have had to discern for myself (with the Holy Spirit's guidance, of course) who had impure intentions towards me. 

I'm sad to say that the people who I thought were my friends, God revealed their true colors to me. Now, God has given me clarity (and continues to give me clarity) on who my true friends are, who my acquaintances are, and who my enemies are. Since Rosheeda has passed away, I have very few people who I call friends. Before she passed away, I was very extroverted, but now, I am more introverted, than extroverted. I prefer to stay at home than go out. 

With God's Grace, I have been able to avoid further heartbreak, but not without a cost. In being obedient to God, I have had to let go of possible relationships because the guys would say they were not interested in me and/or having a relationship with me. I have had to endure guys seeing me as a sex object. I even came very close to having an affair. The straw that broke the camels back was in January 2016. I got stood up by 2 guys that same month- within 2 weeks. My feelings were hurt so bad after that. 
It got to the point to where I asked God, "What is wrong with me?" I must admit that I am angry with God to a certain extent for even allowing these guys in my life. I am angry that I keep attracting the same type of guys. So, I have decided to not try to date anyone anymore. It's too painful to even think the thought of starting over again and risk getting hurt again. 
Until God chooses to allow a man to come into my life that fears Him and is His Son-Jesus Christ's disciple, and chooses to have my best interest at heart and to protect my heart and make me feel safe, and have pure intentions of making me his wife and making me feel like a Queen, I choose not to date anymore.

It's so hard not to struggle with jealousy and discouragement when I see people around me getting engaged, married, and/or starting a family, and be truly happy for them from my heart when I have been waiting and begging God for the same thing since I was 16 years old. 

As I continue to wait for God to allow my husband to come into my life; and for God to give me the opportunity to start a family with him, I will do my best to be obedient to His Voice and follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

As I continue to continue to work through my pain and disappointment, God has been so gracious to me and has opened my eyes and heart to the possibility that maybe my husband- the man He has designed for me- is outside of my race.
He revealed to me through this delay of having my heart's desire fulfilled; and my painful journey through grief recovery how close minded I have been when it comes to my husband.

Now my prayer is for God to give me the privilege to bless Him and Glorify Him in being a virtuous wife to my husband (regardless of his race) and through our marriage the children we produce will Glorify Him as well. 

I pray this time next year, God will allow me to be at a different place in my life. I pray I will no longer be enduring yet another difficult season in my life. I pray that God will allow this season of loneliness to be done and that he will allow me the privilege to enjoy His perfect gift of my husband.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Gone But Forgotten: My Tribute To Rosheeda C. Lee

Today marks the 1 Year Anniversary of Rosheeda's Passing. This past year has been very difficult for me, but God has been my comforter & provider through it all. Grief has been a powerful teacher for me. It has strengthened my relationship w/God,  taught me how to be compassionate, understanding, patient, & be sensitive to the needs of others.  I know I have more lessons to learn in this journey of healing & life. In order to process my grief, I express myself through writing. It is has proven to be very cathartic for me during difficult seasons of my life. So, I have written an open letter to Rosheeda & have decided to share what is on my ❤️: 


Dear Rosheeda,

Girl, I miss you so much. I can't believe it has been a year since You have been gone and transitioned into Heaven. Right after you went to Heaven, my whole world fell apart. I lost 2 jobs in less than 8 months. Then, I learned the painful lesson that not everyone is my friend. I realized you were right (as always). You told me that God did not intend for me to have tons of friends, but He called me to have very few. I know before You passed away suddenly, You were concerned that I didn't have many friends and you were pretty much my only friend because you understood me. I remember our conversation like yesterday. You told me that it is time for me to meet new people and that you will always be my friend. You told me I have so much to give & our friendship would always remain intact. Well, after you passed away, I had to follow your advice. I made plenty of mistakes, but I have finally found the right place to develop friendships- Lovers Lane UMC. The church I visited and you approved of less than 6 months before you passed away. I officially became a member there February 16, 2014. Right now, God has me in the process of cultivating relationships. I know you are beyond blissful right now, but I wanted you to know that I honored your request to attempt to make new friends by being myself.

I know you are my Guardian Angel now. So, I know you are aware of my journey to healing in this grieving process. I have come to terms with the fact that I will grieve your loss for the rest of my natural life. You held such a huge piece of my ❤️.

You was & will always be my shero. You were my sister. You were fearless, courageous, bold, beautiful, loyal, compassionate, caring, confident, strong, understanding, supportive, patient, honest, tough, encouraging, loving, & always followed your ❤️, regardless of the cost. You were so wise beyond your years and your discernment gift was incredible. You understood me so well.

So, when you died, the space you resided in my ❤️ died too. The dreams of me being a wife and Mom died as well b/c even though they were my dreams, we shared them. You were going to stand by me when I got married and I was going to do the same for you, and when I had kids, I was going to name them after you, but you said no so many times, but we did compromise and you did agree to be the Godmother. Now,with you gone, it is so hard to dream again. So, as I continue to heal, I am asking God to resurrect those dreams in my ❤️.

As I go through this difficult winter season in my life, I really wish I could pick up the phone and call you. I wish I could hear your voice again,  hear you laugh again, and hear 1 of your sayings. I miss being your "resident goof ball."  I cherish memories we created, but it is hard b/c I know we won't be able create new ones. Coming to terms w/that reality is hard.

You taught me so much in our 8 1/2 year friendship. You always told me I am stronger than I think. I didn't believe it, but now I do. I wish I would have believed it when you were here. I realized my strength is a quiet strength, also known as meekness. I know now I am strong in Christ. In my strength, I have more confidence.  I still have a long way to go, but I know that God is not done w/me yet.  I know He created me to help others, but I am still depending on Him to show me His Purpose for my life.

There are not enough words in the English dictionary to tell you how much I love and miss you. You had such a profound impact on my life. After you died, I wondered if you knew I loved you. I know you did because you believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You fought for me when I didn't do so for myself. You were my teacher when it came to utilizing my spiritual gifts. You had me realize it is ok to be different and not try to fit in. You taught me it is ok to stand alone. You invested so much time and attention on me, and for that I just want to say Thank You. Because without our friendship, our sisterhood, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Everything I know is because of you and to this day I still follow your advice because again, you were ALWAYS right. I hope and pray you are proud of me.

With that being said, thank You for being obedient to God in unconditionally loving me, because of Your example, I can love others. So, I do know that you knew I loved you, and I still do.

Love You for Eternal Life,

Chrissy ❤️

Thursday, January 9, 2014

My Past Does Not Determine My Destiny

It has been 5 months & 1 day since I have posted on this blog & so much has changed in my personal life. It has been 9 months and 4 days since Rosheeda passed away, & life is very difficult without her physical presence here. However, through it all God has walked by me & at times carried me through it. Now, Rosheeda resides in Heaven, my heart & also my Guardian Angel. God is my strength when I am weak, and there are times I hear Rosheeda's voice telling to keep going when I just want to give up.

Since her passing so much of what she said about family is making sense and my perspective is slowly but surely changing. My family is very dysfunctional. I grew up w/an abusive Grandma, but I know now she loves me & did her best under the circumstances to raise me. I am coming to terms with what she has done & I have chosen to forgive her b/c at the end of the day, when her time comes to transition into Heaven, only God can judge her.


My parents did not raise me & lived separate lives, but I know they love me in their own imperfect, flawed way. My Mom loves me, and will do what she can to help me. I just have to accept the fact that she is emotionally unavailable & therefore lacks maternal instinct & as a result can be very insensitive. Despite her flaws, I still choose to forgive her b/c she is the only Mom I have & I have come to the painful reality that I may never have the mother daughter relationship I desire from her, but I refuse to let my daughter- the next generation experience that reality.

As far as my Dad is concerned, I still do not trust him. I love him, but I do not trust. When I give him an inch, he takes a mile. He also breaks his promises. He expects me to put him 1st, but he chooses not to do the same for me. In doing this, he is choosing not to protect my heart. He thinks he is entitled to the privileges of being a Dad, but he does not have my respect because he has not earned it. I know he loves me, but he has not put out any effort to learn how to do so. So, at this point in my life, my relationship with him is estranged. It will take a miracle from God to have us reconcile so we can have a decent father-daughter relationship.

Both of my parents haven't made me their top priority. They haven't sacrificed their time & effort. Their loyalty has been questionable. But I still choose to forgive them on a consistent basis. I also still choose to respect & honor them as God commands me to do so since He allowed them to be my parents.

Now that I know that I was attracted to men who were like my Dad, by God's grace I have chosen to not to be so quick to jump into relationships. Instead, I have chosen to wait on God to reveal the character of the men He chooses to bring into my life. With the Holy Spirit residing in me, I know He will let me know if he will be in my life for a season or a lifetime.

I know God will allow me to get married 1 day, and I know when that day happens, Rosheeda will be watching and smiling from Heaven.

Until next time...

Thursday, August 1, 2013

A New Beginning: My Season of Rest

I was so excited when the spring season started this year.  I mean this season is said to represent rebirth, regeneration, and resurrection. The beginning of this year was not going my way, but as winter transitioned into spring, I started realizing God is sovereign and in control. For the first time in my life, I was content with every area of my life. Life was not where I wanted it to be, but I was feeling very blessed. I had (and still have) Jesus, my best friend Rosheeda, new friends, and a job.  I felt as if God’s favor was shining upon me. I was blooming where God planted me.
Then, suddenly, life changed in the blink of an eye. On April 5, 2013, my big sister in Christ, my loyal confidante, and my best friend of a little over 8 ½ years, Rosheeda C. Lee died in a car accident and instantly transitioned into Heaven. However, I found out about her death on April 6th at 4:00 in the morning. When I found out about her death, I was in shock, then denial, and barely functioning. I went to work the following Monday because I wanted so desperately to have some sense of normalcy after such a traumatic loss. However, my boss sent me home. I returned to work 2 days later to supportive co-workers and for a job interview, my boss scheduled me for. At this point, I was convinced God was going to allow me to move forward in my career. I figured I would have something good happen for me under such tragic circumstances. I really believed I was going to get some form of normalcy back. I was wrong.
Two weeks after Rosheeda’s death, I received a phone call at my desk from my boss to meet with her in a meeting room. It was in that room, she told me I was being terminated. My world stood completely still. Life as I knew it had changed drastically. Not only did I lose my best friend, Rosheeda, but I also lost my livelihood.
At this point, I became more dependent on God than I ever had in my life. Of course, I panicked, I am human. However, God gave me peace that surpasses all understanding. Then, after a lot of prayer, He gave me a plan that would work to benefit me in the long run. He also gave me a new perspective to view these traumatic events through His Eyes. Now, I see that the chaos that has transpired in my life is His Way of teaching me how to rest in His Presence.
With His loving patience, God is teaching me what grief is and how to grief Rosheeda’s death.
 According to Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of grief is:
My definition of grief is simply having a void in my heart because I know my life will never be the same without her physical presence here on Earth. It is the bittersweet reality of knowing, she does not have to deal with the issues of this world because she is experiencing bliss beyond my comprehension. It is knowing, I will have memories that only we shared, while having the knowledge that we are unable to create new ones.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss Rosheeda, but I would be selfish to ask God to give her back to her family, numerous friends, and me after she has experienced Heaven. All I ever wanted for her was the best & for her not to struggle anymore. God faithfully, yet unexpectedly answered my prayers.
As I spend more time in His Presence, I have realized that grieving is NOT a season, a storm, a hardship, or a trial. It is a lifelong journey-a healing process.
Now, I know in my spirit and heart, my loss of employment is a blessing in disguise. It is working out for my good according to His purposes. I truly believe in my heart He allowed this to happen to teach me how to truly rest in His Presence, and teach me how to function as I learn how to process my grieve. 
Everyone grieves in different ways, but one thing I have to learn is that I am not “everyone”. As I go through this process, I have chosen to learn how to be patient with myself, and learn how to cope with my grief. In the brief time since she has been gone, God has been faithful in helping me heal from such traumatic losses that I have endured in such a brief period of time.
In addition to praying constantly, He allowed me go to grief counseling, but after 4 sessions, I was released. My former counselor just told me to be careful in how I spend my time and who I spend it with.
Even though I am in a lonely and vulnerable place in my life now; I am choosing to trust God to give me a small group of confidantes (3-5 to be exact) who will have my best interest at heart.
I know it will take time for me to cultivate friendships with those God has ordained for me to be my confidantes. However, I have full knowledge that I will never be able to duplicate the friendship and the sisterhood I had with Rosheeda. Nor will I try to do so because I will be disrespecting her memory and her legacy.
So, as I wait for Him to guide me to this place of new, lasting friendships, I will do what He has gifted me to do best: Writing.
After I shared painful memories of my past with her, Rosheeda encouraged me to start writing again. At a young age, I started writing in a journal, but my abusive grandma found it. Needless to say, I stopped writing out of fear. Then I started another journal in college, but my mean spirited ex-boyfriend found it, laughed in my face, and said I was weird. I stopped writing again to please him. So, obviously, when Rosheeda told I needed to express myself through writing on a blog, I was scared of what people might think, but with her unconditional love and support, I faced my fear, and I do not regret it.
It is only fitting that in this grieving process, with no 1 to truly confide in yet, God has allowed me to come full circle have me to express my heart to Him in my prayer journal, and on this blog-my very 1st blog. The 1 started because of Rosheeda.
I know now writing has been (and will continue to be) my saving grace through this difficult time in my life. I know when times do get better for me, I will continue to miss Rosheeda. I will miss her for the rest of my natural life until we are reunited in Heaven. So, to cope with missing her, I will do what God created me to do-Write.  If I can help and inspire 1 person through being so transparent in my journey of this life God has given me, then I know I have done His Will, and my mission has been accomplished.
In the meantime, I know I am not alone. I know now more than ever that God will never leave me, nor forsake me. And I know in my spirit and heart that Rosheeda is my Guardian Angel now. Her spirit is so strong sometimes to the point where it is palpable. She is always in my heart; therefore she is always with me.
As far as my employment status, I choose to trust God and obey. I will do my part in my job search, and I know He will do His. However, I choose to believe He is in control and Sovereign. God in His grace and mercy has provided (and continues to provide) for me in more ways than I have even asked or imagined. To be honest, at this point in my life, finding another job is not my top priority right now. I know God will give me another job, but He will not give me Rosheeda back, or this time to grieve her physical presence. So, I choose to rest in His Presence and allow him to pour His Love on me as He heals my broken, fragile heart.








Saturday, January 8, 2011

A New Place in my Personal Life

It has been 5 months since I have posted on this blog, and I have noticed that even though I have matured, I have a long way to go in my walk with Christ.

I have chosen to come to terms with my difficult childhood and the imperfections of my parents. I have chosen to respect and honor them as God has commanded me to do so since they are my parents.

Since my last entry, my Dad has gotten married and in the brief amount of time that I spent with him, I have learned that he is not the man that I expected him, want him and need him to be as a man and as a father. In my world, God is my Heavenly Father and I choose to call Tyrone Dad out of respect b/c to me he is just another man. See, I love my Dad, but my emotions are still mixed about him b/c he still has to learn how to put me and my little sister 1st. I am learning that is ok as long I choose to continue to deal with them b/c I know that God has always and will continue to look out for the best interests of our hearts.

Since I have been made aware of the revelation of my Dad, I realize now that Jay was not and will never be my husband. I have now realized that I wanted him b/c I just wanted a man and that the Lord used him for 2 yrs to prepare me on how to handle my true husband, the man He has for me. My Dad, Jay, my ex, and other former love interests all have 1 disturbing thing in common: They all operate from a con man's mentality.

It was troubling for me to sit back and realize that throughout my life, I have been attracted to men who are like my Dad, but I have chosen by God's grace to break this vicious, hurtful cycle.

So, with this knowledge, I have prayed to God that my husband's character will be the complete opposite of my Dad, ex, and former love interests. I have prayed that he will be completely surrendered to Christ and choose to operate out of integrity so that he can and will earn my trust.

So, I am learning how to come to terms with my past and be @ peace with it. I know with God's grace, mercy, and strength, I will be able to completely heal from my past. However, I am blessed to realize now that God defines who I am not my past. That is ALL of the validation and hope I need to live another day.

Until next time...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Jay

I have referred in previous posts regarding Jay being my husband and the Lord releasing me from him, but I have never went into detail about him. Now, I believe is the time to talk about since I believe the Lord has spoke to me about him.

I believe today is a good day for me to talk about him since today is my ex's birthday. I'll explain my reasoning for that later in this blog entry.

I first met Jay on March 2, 2008 while he was working for DART, the public transportation system in Dallas. At the time, I was being disobedient to the Lord and dating my ex. So, when Jay approached me to date him, I couldn't b/c I was being faithful to my sorry ex who I know now did not and will never love me the way I need to be loved.

After our 1st meeting Jay continued to pursue, but again, I refused because I loved my ex and was being faithful to him, but 1 day I chose to break it off with him and chose to talk to Jay to see if he was still interested in me, and to my surprise he rejected me because he was not going to be the rebound guy. Now that I look back, he was right and he deserved my full attention.

After this, the Lord consistently gave me dreams about us coming together. He also showed me what form of spiritual warfare he was enduring so I could pray for him. He also gave me dreams as to what the consequences would be if I returned to my ex. Those consequences were to displease Him through my disobedience and lose any opportunity in dating & marrying Jay. So, I was obedient and was extremely happy that the Lord was going to restore the time I had lost with Him and Jay. Later, he showed me through a series of dreams and in reality that Jay was my husband.

The 1st year that I knew Jay we barely talked, but due to a series of events that only Rosheeda knows about, we eventually started talking again. Jay had made some foolish decisions that almost caused me to lose all respect for him, but God intervened and showed me how to forgive him and to love him as He loves him.

Then miracles started happening and God started answering my prayers. He allowed Jay to tell me personal stuff about himself and he even opened up to me about his past. He started trusting me and liking me and vice versa. After everything we had been through, Jay had earned my trust and respect and I believed that he was my husband b/c the dreams God Himself gave me were coming to pass.

I got so happy that I told my Dad, who was incarcerated @ the time. He was happy for me and believed Jay was my husband too. Then, all of a sudden, God told me through Rosheeda to back off and not talk to him as much. So, I obeyed and believed God would turn around whatever issuses that were going on in his heart. So, God told me to pray for him all the time and continue to be obedient and I did just that. I wrote in my prayer journal constantly about his heart transformation and us coming together as man and wife as I believe God had promised me.

It got to the point I got tired of being obedient and riding the bus with him every other weekend because I was not seeing my prayers being answered. I was surrendered and obedient and did everything God told me to do. I had child like faith and was obedient as a result of it.

He told me not to behave as a single woman because Jay was my husband. He had me no longer talk to guys on the bus or take their #s because Jay was watching me. So, I was obedient. Men who did show interest in me, I prayed God would send them away because, again, I believed He told me Jay was my husband. It got to the point where God told me to say in faith that we were dating to everyone, including my Dad. So, I obeyed. God told me Jay was my husband through a prophetess.

Three years ago I believed another man was my husband. I believed this for a year. I was new in my prophetic gift and I thought God told me to tell him he was my husband. At the time, he was in a position of leadership @ my church. Instead of correcting me gently as a sister in Christ, he made me feel worthless. Now, that I look back, I am so happy that the Lord chose not to give him to me as my husband because I would have been miserable, frustrated, and struggling to act like a Stepford wife because I would not have been free to be myself and have the ability to be comfortable in my own skin as the woman I am. He told me as a result of that experience, I would get the man I want and that man was Jay. With Jay, I am able to be myself and am comfortable in my own skin.

So when God told me in April, through Rosheeda that I was released from him because he was being disobedient I was hurt and angry and to some degree I still am. As I have written in previous blog entries, I lost my child like faith, the joy of my salvation, and the ability to trust God completely. I could not and still do not believe that God will have spend 2 years believing Him for Jay to be my husband without closure. God told me through His Word that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I believed that God would restore our relationship completely and have us fulfill our calls to His Glory as 1 flesh.

Then slowly, but surely, I started moving forward. God is 1st in my life again. I am being obedient and sruggling to trust in His Timing again. My child like faith and the joy of my salvation are being restored. I am content with my life even though @ times I wish this season of my life was over, but God has promised me the rainbow. I now know that God is my Dad and Husband. I can finally say that even though His personal promises as not fulfilled yet, I can see the silver lining.

Now that I have finally moved on with my life, I believe God has surprised me again. See, a week after I returned from MO God told me that my Dad is praying for me. He told me that he is praying for Him to reveal to me who my husband by a certain time period so he can be the voice of reason for our reconciliation because my Dad knows I am still angry @ him.

I told my Dad in April that Jay and I broke up. He told me that when I stick with God I will be blessed. Now, here is the kicker, I believe I heard the Lord tell me that my Dad is praying to Him for Jay and I to reconcile because he feels as if I can relate to him since I have a history with him and he can be the voice of reason on his behalf. The Lord told me He will honor all of his prayer requests.

I am upset about this because when I prayed for God to bring us together again, He told me no because I wanted him back for my own purposes, but when my Dad prayed, He prayed with His Agenda in mind. His Agenda being to bring reconciliation between my Dad and I.

The Lord told me that my husband is going through a transformation in every form. Jay is going through a serious transformation now. I believe the Lord has told me that he is praying for me personally and to see me again because he misses my presence. I believe He has told me his prayers go deeper than that, but He won't release them to me @ this time.

To be honest, I don't know if I'm hearing the Lord correctly or not, but I pray that I am. I don't if I am hearing His Voice or my heart's desire. Either way, I have prayed this, if Jay is my husband, bring him back into my life and if he is not my husband, bring my true husband into my life and keep Jay away. However, I am praying that I have heard the Lord correctly.

I am so tempted to go back to my ex because it seeems as if moving forward is not getting me anywhere. I feel as if this season has no end in sight, but I choose to hold my ground. I choose not to go back because I have so much to loose if I do. What I have been through with Jay and what I am going through now would not have occurred if I would've just waited and obeyed, but I choose not to live in my past. I must forget those things that lie behind and press on toward the mark (Phil. 3:12-14). I cannot live in the past, nor can I change it. I also choose not to condemn myself. So, I choose to wait for confirmation or correction about what I believe I heard about my Dad and Jay. So, I have learned my lesson. I love my ex and always will. I actually hope he had a wonderful birthday, but I choose not to put myself in that vicious cycle again and miss out on my true husband again-Jay or not.

Until next time....